Miscarriage and Loss

I’ve been going back and forth about whether I should write this post or not. I’m hesitant to share all of my raw emotions and personal experiences about this topic because I am not one to be vulnerable…at all. But while experiencing a miscarriage and loss myself I realized that I have been blessed with this website to be able to share with others and hopefully help someone else who might be experiencing the same thing.

My husband and I are so very blessed with three beautiful, happy, and healthy children! We were open to the idea of trying for a fourth, so we let it roll. We have been so lucky to not have any issues when trying to conceive, and we haven’t had any miscarriages or scares with previous pregnancies so I honestly didn’t think it was a possibility.

We got pregnant pretty quickly. I was so happy to see those two pink lines! We scheduled our confirmation appointment at the doctor. Of course you have to wait about two weeks until the appointment. It seems like forever! It was finally time to get the pregnancy confirmed and all went well. They even did a bedside ultrasound and all looked normal. I was measuring about a week smaller than I guessed (around five weeks), but no big deal. She pointed out the start of the fetal pole and placenta.

Then we scheduled our dating ultrasound to find out the actual due date of Baby #4 for another two weeks after the confirmation appointment. That was a VERY long wait. I always get so excited to see the miracles growing inside my belly.

I didn’t have any suspicion that anything was wrong because I was already starting to feel nauseous, tired, and growing a bump. (The abdominal wall is pretty stretched out after having three kids so the bump starts sooner with each pregnancy.) We even decided to share the news of expecting Baby #4 with family and close friends.

It was finally the day of the dating ultrasound, and I was excited! Usually, all baby appointments are a family affair with my husband and kids going. This time was no different. We got to the doctor, and got called back pretty quickly. She did a transvaginal ultrasound because I was only estimating to be eight or nine weeks along. The second she held the wand over the gestational sac and I didn’t see anything inside I knew something was wrong because I have seen quite a few ultrasounds before. The ultrasound tech was quiet and did her measurements. She asked if the doctor saw anything at my last appointment, and I explained what the doctor told me she saw. She then sadly said that she saw the gestational sac, but did not see a baby. I was sad, but also in shock so I just sat quietly.

So many things were running through my head…

  • could the baby be hiding?

  • how could this happen?

  • was it something I did?

  • what do we do now?

  • why did we tell family?

  • did this happen because I’m over 30?

After the ultrasound, we had to sit in a little waiting room to wait to be called to go see my doctor. The questions just kept running through my head. There was a girl in the waiting room that had just gotten an ultrasound and had a bunch of ultrasound pictures printed out sitting next to her. I know she was excited about her special moment so my husband and I sat quietly without saying anything to each other while she was there enjoying her moment, which she had full right to do! I also thought about how many times previously, that I had come into that room with ultrasound pictures and someone else might’ve just gotten terrifying or heartbreaking news and I was oblivious to that fact. I felt absolutely terrible for those people I might not have noticed before that could have been grieving as they sat in that small waiting room. And now I was one of those people.

We got called back to a patient room and waited to be seen by the doctor. We did not exchange many words with the nurse. When we finally got to the patient room and the nurse left, my husband and I had a chance to talk. We were both very sad about the situation, but also felt very blessed that we have three children to love. We were very curious about what was to come next and what the doctor would say. I was still a little hopeful that the doctor would say to come back in a week and see if anything changes.

Soon the doctor came in and told us that she was very sorry that this happened. She explained that usually when a miscarriage takes place this early in the pregnancy that there is a chromosomal abnormality and nothing we did could have caused it or prevented it. That was a little comforting to hear, and that’s when I started to tear up—I guess it just hit me at that moment that we were actually having a miscarriage. I tried my best to hold back the tears because I don’t like people to see me cry, again I hate being vulnerable, and I didn’t want my kids to know something was wrong.

The doctor explained our next step options. And we chose what was best for us. Then we checked out and went to the car. When I sat in my seat and closed the door I finally was able to cry a little bit. And then I broke down when I threw our first ultrasound image of Baby #4 away.

I was and am heartbroken because we lost a life! Ever since I got those two pink lines on October 27th all the way to December 4th there was a life growing inside of me. Even if the life never fully formed or stopped developing before December 4th, in my head and heart it felt like there was a baby that was growing inside me and now it was gone in an instant. It hurt…a lot! But at the same time it also made me super grateful that I have three beautiful, happy, and healthy children.

I’m also so grateful for my husband who has been my rock through this entire experience. He has been so supportive and contacted all family members and friends when I wasn’t ready to talk. This experience could drive a wedge into any relationship by playing the blame game, not letting each other grieve, not listening to your spouse, or not being supportive. This experience could also make your relationship stronger by leaning on each other, listening, and supporting each other. I’m grateful that we chose the latter!

I’m also grateful that God gave me this experience so I can empathize with other mother’s that have gone through or are currently going through a loss. It sucks so hard! But I didn’t realize how much until it happened to me. And I understand that many families face a miscarriage when trying to have their first baby so it makes the pain of losing that baby hurt a little more, and for that I am so very sorry! But please know that our God is a mighty God, and He has a plan for your life and your families life that is even better than you imagined!

As I write this post through tear-filled eyes I really hope that my story is able to help someone else going through a loss. Miscarriages are heartbreaking and emotionally painful, but I pray that you find peace, hope, and love during this tragedy! I’m always available to talk if you need a friend!