Lessons Learned From Foster Care

I’ve been keeping a little, well actually a big, secret from ya’ll. After many discussions, lots of prayer, and tons of training we have embarked on the journey of being a foster family.

I don’t share this for praise—it’s not needed or wanted! I share this in case any other families feel this calling for their family and want to learn more.

I’ll gladly share what brought us to this journey, the process of becoming foster parents, and other adventures in the coming weeks; however, I will always protect the children and the stories of any children that enter our home. We thought we were as prepared as we could be to welcome children from hard places in our home, but there were still so many lessons we have learned along the way that I want to share with you, and I’m sure we will continue to learn lessons as long as our home and hearts are open.

Image from freepik.com

Top Lessons We Have Learned From Foster Care

1. Jesus…Need LOTS of Jesus and patience. This process and journey is joyful, overwhelming, exhausting, enlightening, and all the emotions in between. We literally could not have done or do this without Jesus and patience. I often fall short on the patience part, so that’s when I need Jesus the most.

2. EVERYONE gets checked and treated for lice when they enter our home. We were so naive with our first placement. We were told that the children were checked and lice free when they were brought to us. That was oh so wrong!!! A few days later, we soon found out that many of us now had lice (my hubby lucked out because he’s bald). I can handle vomit, poop, boogers, blood, and most other things, but lice totally grossed me out (just typing this makes my head start to itch). We had a professional come to check and treat us, we washed everything, and even had the carpets professionally cleaned. Luckily, I learned that olive oil is the key to killing lice (it’s a great conditioning treatment too). Let me know if you ever need to know the secret!

3. We learned to cheer for mom or family. We thought this would be difficult to do knowing the backgrounds of the children coming to us. But no matter how bad things were at their home, a child longs to be with his or her mom. There is just a special, undeniable bond between a mother and child. Seeing this longing to be with mom from the children in our home, if it is in the best interest of the child(ren) we cheer for reunification between children and biological parents or other capable family members.

4. You don’t realize how much effort and “training” you put into your biological kids until you welcome foster kids into your home and are starting from scratch (no matter the age). Another thing we were naive about—we had no idea we would have to teach children how to sit at the table, use a fork, sit on the potty, not wipe their mouth on furniture, that clothes must be worn in public, or other manners at ages 4+. Luckily, we have 3 reinforcers that are good examples for these little children.

5. You need to have your house in order. Foster care is tough! If I’m being honest, much harder than parenting biological kids. So, if you plan to take this journey, you need to make sure your marriage is solid, and you and your husband need to be on the same team with your parenting style. If these things are not strong, then the stress of adding more children (children that come from trauma) could harm your relationship with your husband or relationship with your biological children. Obviously, no relationship will ever be perfect, but I recommend a solid foundation.

6. Keep birth order. We had heard this was a good idea from a psychological point, but we began to understand that it’s also beneficial for your children to be the influencers to these younger children rather than be influenced by older children (that have probably witnessed more than you want your children to know).

7. It’s not their fault. The behaviors, attitudes, words, and quarks the children display are a result of the environment that they came from. So, when a young child begins to sing “Bad B*tch” at the dinner table, you have to remain calm and kindly explain to them that is not a song or word we use in this house—they had no idea because that was their mommy’s favorite song.

8. We have such an incredible impact on our children. These children come from unimaginable situations and they still long for their parents—no matter how bad it was. It’s a huge responsibility as a parent to know your child is that connected to you. We have such a huge influence on our children. Are we taking advantage of that influential role or wasting it?

9. You are now a therapist or meditator. Congrats—you have gained a new job! There are SO many emotions for you to process, your biological kids to process, and your foster children to process. They need help working through these emotions. There’s also so many changes that everyone must work through. You will often find yourself being a counselor to each child or meditating among children. It might even be helpful to work with a professional therapist (DFCS will get your foster children a therapist if you ask).

10. It’s a must to work with a private agency. DFCS is maxed out on caring for children (they will tell you that). With them being overloaded, there is often a lack of communication and urgency. Their priority is the children, which it should be. But as a foster parent, you need an advocate in your corner too. A private agency assigns you a caseworker to care for your foster family’s needs and look after the foster children too. A private agency will chase down the answers you are seeking, keep you updated on court hearings you can’t attend, or make sure DFCS does not abuse your rights as a foster parent.

11. You don’t realize how many people you open your home to when you say “yes” to foster care. There’s your caseworker, the foster kids’ caseworker, kid's’ attorney, kids’ court assigned advocate, therapist, the actual foster children, specialists, visitation transporter, etc. We were not aware of how many people were involved in this, and it took us by surprise! We are typically quiet and keep to ourselves, so this was a huge and often overwhelming adjustment. However, I began to realize each person that walks into our home is a mission field that is being brought to my front door. I can be frustrated by it, or I can use this opportunity to share God’s love, even if only for 5 minutes.

12. Your biological children benefit so much from this experience. I was most worried about how my biological children would react to and feel about this journey. We talked to them throughout the entire process to make sure they were onboard. However, I was still very worried about what they would witness or be made aware of as we opened our home. After witnessing my biological children with these foster children, I think this is the best thing we could have done for them. Everything we have tried to teach them in their short lives—empathy, sharing, demonstrating God’s love, compassion, and even grieving—they get to put into practice daily. And boy, I have never been more proud of my kids as I witness them showing God’s love each time they teach their “new” sibling a skill, comfort them when they are sad, are patient with them as they learn the rules of our home, or just ask about their previous family.

Next week, I’ll share why we said “yes” to foster care.