How to Get Your Child to Listen - Cooperation

Last week we began our series on “How to Get Your Child to Listen.” The first step, is to acknowledge their feelings—CLICK HERE to learn more. After we consciously acknowledge a child’s feelings we can begin to ask for willing cooperation to requests, like pick up your jacket.

Some Cooperation Would Be Nice

The holy grail of parenting – your child listens the very first time you ask them to do something (without complaining). We all want it. We all dream about it. We all wonder if it’s real. Is it achievable?  I think it is! You have to believe! I have not mastered it yet, but we are working on it.

Here are a few of my tricks I’ve learned as we begin to master the art of cooperation:

1.       Be playful! This seems so easy, but yet when you’re frustrated because you’ve asked your child to do the same thing 4 times and they still haven’t done it, it’s hard! But I can tell you from experience that it works really well!

For some reason my daughter does NOT like to be asked to use the restroom before nap or bedtime. It’s a huge battle every time. So, after I read this simple task in How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, I asked my daughter to go potty in a silly voice. She giggled and walked straight to the bathroom and went—no tears, no lying in the floor explaining why she doesn’t want to go to the bathroom, no nothing. She just went. So now I am more playful for a lot of the “boring” things I ask my children to do—it doesn’t work every time, but there are definitely a lot less arguments.

2.       Offer a Choice. This allows them to feel in charge, and what young child doesn’t enjoy being in charge? If you want your child to clean up the books on the floor make sure both choices you offer are pleasant. You can ask him, “I need you to clean up the books. You can clean them up by chomping them like a crocodile or pretend to scoop them up in your front loader. Which do you pick?” Both choices are fun and playful. This allows children a real choice instead of a choice between doing the task or picking a punishment (clean up or go to your room—which I have done).

3.        Put Your Child in Charge. Give them a job you need done, but allow them to decide how to complete the job (within some boundaries). This allows them to be independent and learn how to problem-solve. I gave each of my children the assignment of cleaning their rooms the other day. I told them the toys need to be put away, beds made, furniture dusted, and floor vacuumed. Each child did it in a different order and a different way, but each child was able to do the job. They were so proud of themselves for doing it too!

4.       Say it with a Word or Gesture. This saves you from lecturing…again. My children have a hard time getting shoes on when it’s time to go (are mine the only ones?). I have to tell them at least 4 times before it clicks, so I’ve just started saying, “Zapatos” (Spanish for shoes) and it somehow works. By me just stating the word, they are able to tell themselves what they need to do with their shoes.

5.       Describe What You See. This is helpful when a child is doing the requested task, but still needs a little encouragement to complete it.

If you asked your child to clean up the toys in the living room before bed while you run to start the dishwasher. When you come back the job isn’t quite done yet, instead of pointing out what still needs to be cleaned up start with, “Susie, I see you cleaned up all of the red blocks. Great job! Now can you clean the yellow blocks?” This shows them that you noticed the work they have done and encourages them to power on.

6.       Write a Note (Draw a Picture). This is just a different way of stating what you need accomplished that children find exciting! Some mornings I like to wake my kids up and give them a note to read or pictures to look at of what they need to do before coming downstairs. It helps our mornings stay quiet and it makes them feel special to receive a note just for them.

7.       Describe How You Feel. This helps them begin to understand your emotions, as well as, their own. Be sure to use “I” statements when describing your feelings. For instance, most nights I will hear, “I don’t like that—I’m not going to eat that,” from at least one child when I present dinner. So, I calmly explained to my children, “It hurts my feelings when I work hard to make dinner and hear mean words about dinner before it is tasted.” The “I don’t like that” comment still arises every now and then, but my children do at least taste the food now.

8.       Take Action Without Insult. Describe their feelings or your feelings and what you are doing. Be sure to stand your ground! For example, if your child is refusing to wear a helmet while riding his bike, then tell him you will put the bike away since he does not like his head squeezed by the helmet and you cannot let him ride without a helmet. Then begin putting the bike away. You stated how he felt about the helmet and you did not insult him or his character.

Cooperation is hard for children because they are trying to establish the boundaries you have in place and gain their independence at the same time. I think these tricks above help a child to have both—boundaries and independence—and we gain cooperation at the same time. It’s a win for everyone! It’s a work in progress to remember to implement these “tricks” especially when you are in the heat of the moment. Just continue to try your best and maybe get your husband onboard to try these tricks too—you can encourage each other as you become the BEST parents!

What’s the most successful tactic you use for cooperation from your children? Comment below to share.