How to Get Your Child to Listen - Acknowledge Feelings

We are beginning a series called “How to Help Your Child Listen” based on the book How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.  As we begin this series, I want to flash a big warning sign that it is VERY likely that you will feel like you have failed as a parent. While reading this book, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. But this series is not about shaming any of us or making us feel inadequate! We have all been doing the best we can with the experience and knowledge that we have! This series is about helping us understand our children better to be able to effectively communicate with them.

All the Emotions

We have all lived through the ups and downs of a child’s emotions. One second they are happy as can be, and then the next minute they are screaming bloody murder because you cut their peanut butter and jelly into triangles instead of squares. So now, they don’t want to eat any of their lunch and they throw their crayons on the floor. Normally, we want to protect ourselves from this kind of meltdown so we try to fix the problem without accepting how they feel.

In reality, we should acknowledge the feelings they are having. Their feelings (even if dramatic) are real. We have bad days when we don’t feel right and don’t want to be nice or listen to others, so it’s only fair that our kids are going to have those days too. (Speaking to myself) we need to stop trying to push back their negative feelings, and think about how we would feel if we were in their shoes. What if we received a pile of dirty dishes instead a loaded dishwasher like we asked for, we would probably throw crayons too, right?!

Often, little children do not know the name of the emotion they are feeling, so it’s helpful to them if we name the emotion and put it in the sentence. “You seem angry. You are angry that I cut your sandwich in triangles instead of squares.” You can even let your tone mimic their emotion—stomp your foot and gruffly say, “You seem angry.” This helps them understand what emotion they are feeling and lets them know that it is ok to feel that way. Sometimes just stating their emotion helps them to know you understand and be able to calm down. (When your tone mimics their emotion, it usually catches them off guard and makes them laugh.)

You can accept their feelings, but you do not have to accept their actions. Even though they are angry about the sandwich you do not have to accept that they refuse to eat or threw crayons on the floor. However, we can’t contradict their feelings with an, “I understand, BUT…” statement. That dismisses that we understand their feelings. So, instead say something like, “It’s irritating when mommy doesn’t cut your sandwich the way you want. The problem is it’s not safe to throw crayons because they could hit someone and hurt them.” Allow your child an opportunity to respond, and truly listen to them. It might be off the wall, silly, or they might tell you about their feelings, but whatever they say be intentional with listening to them.

Acknowledging how your child feels and listening to those feelings is the first step to having a child that listens to you. It’s not an easy step. Sometimes you will want to revert back to squashing those over dramatic tantrums down (I know I have!), but stand strong! And when you do mess up (it will happen—it happens to me too) simply ask your child if you can rewind and try that again. Acknowledging how your child feels shows them that you respect their feelings and them as a person, so they will begin to respect you and your feelings.

Try stating your child’s feelings to them this week. Share their reaction by commenting below.

Next week, we will talk about how to get your child to cooperate when you ask them to do something they don’t want to do.